TheBoySaunders.com

Just To Forewarn Y’all…

The recent tragic death of Steve Irwin got me thinking : if someone so full of life and vitality can snuff it at a second’s notice, what chance do I have? I could perish at any moment : crossing the road, badger baiting, terror, eating meat in front of my girlfriend, insinuating Keith may be a furry within his earshot… My grip on this mortal coil is so tenuous that I feel I should commit my last will and testament to Cyberspace now, just in case a lifetime of bad karma creeps up on me when I least expect it.

As such, I want my funeral to proceed thusly:

Everyone I have ever met in my life should be there, regardless of whether they like me. Mourners must be crying at all times (or at least, be visibly distressed), or else they risk being beaten up without warning by one of the hired vigilantes disguised as mourners. Of which there will be many.
There will be no speeches, religion or order of service. Instead, A Whiter Shade of Pale by Procul Harum shall be played at least twelve times, whilst wrestling videos are shown on massive plasma screens in the background.
Whilst this is happening, I want to be sitting bolt upright in my coffin, pointing accusingly at the congregation for out-living me. I want a piece of string attached to my cold, dead finger, to be operated by a puppeteer who will make my hand move backwards and forwards so everybody gets pointed at at least once.
Red, flashing LED’s should be implanted behind my eyeballs, for that scary, undead look.
After the service I want to be chopped up and eaten by the congregation. Anyone who doesn’t rub their stomach with glee shall be beaten up by aforementioned vigilantes.
Dress code is smart/casual. Appertifs and hors d’oeurves available at a small surcharge. Proceeds to charity.

Be there or be square!

This entry was posted on Monday, September 4th, 2006 at 7:35 am and is filed under Randomness. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

14 Responses to “Just To Forewarn Y’all…”

Jim Says:
September 6th, 2006 at 12:26 am
Do you post these things whilst your at work or is it something you have an urge to do at, say, 8pm after ‘relaxing’ at home?
Phil Says:
September 6th, 2006 at 1:57 am
Let’s just say that my lunch hours are long and lonely…
JC Says:
September 6th, 2006 at 4:44 pm
What matches will be shown on the plasma screens?
Phil Says:
September 7th, 2006 at 1:25 am
Difficult question. As A Whiter Shade of Pale lasts about three and a half minutes I calculate that I need to find 42 minutes of wrestling action. As such, I’ll probably just play highlights of my favourite matches:

Hardy Boys vs Edge & Christian vs Dudley Boys in a TLC match from Wrestlemania 17 (WWE)

Bret Hart vs British Bulldog from Summerslam 1992 (WWE)

Bret Hart vs Mr Perfect from Summerslam 1991 (WWE)

Kenta Kobashi vs Samoa Joe (Ring of Honor)

Chris Benoit vs Triple H vs Shawn Michaels from Wrestlemania 20 (WWE)

AJ Styles vs Samoa Joe vs ‘Fallen Angel’ Christopher Daniels from Unbreakable 2005 (NWA-TNA)

Eddie Guerrero vs Rey Mysterio Jr from Halloween Havoc 1997 (WCW)

Triple X (Elix Skipper & Christopher Daniels) vs America’s Most Wanted (James Storm & Chris Harris) from Lockdown 2003 (NWA-TNA)

Kurt Angle vs Shawn Michaels from Wrestlemania 21 (WWE)

and probably many I’ve forgotten. Thanks for asking!
JC Says:
September 7th, 2006 at 1:22 pm
Well thats it no Andre the giant so I’m not coming.
Phil Saunders Says:
September 8th, 2006 at 7:27 am
You mean you’re not going to come to my funeral because an over-rated wrestler who barely had a decent match in his life won’t be shown? I think that’s a little mean to be honest with you.
Drawing Pin Says:
September 8th, 2006 at 1:03 pm
I thought this blog was supposed to be “A Lighthouse of Hope Away From the Jagged Rocks of Despair”…?
"A lighthouse of man-love" Says:
September 8th, 2006 at 2:30 pm
If there’s no bra and pantie matches I’m DEFINITELY not coming. Unless of course you provide wrestling games for us to play, with the wrestlers’ faces replaced with your lovely mug.
JC Says:
September 8th, 2006 at 5:01 pm
How can you call anyone who starred in the princess bride overrated? I still remember the time he took on 4 midgets. As a midget is half a man that equals 2 to 1 odds truly a legend.
Phil Saunders Says:
September 9th, 2006 at 3:48 am
Drawing Pin - This is “A Lighthouse of Hope Away From the Jagged Rocks of Despair”. You have to present the despair before you can lure people away with hope and, later, joy. By the way, do you recall calling JC a ‘fat c**t at my birthday? You have a point but still, that was mean. I saw him last night and he started crying a bit at the memory.

And ‘Lighthouse of Man Love’ - In my opinion, Bra and Panties matches are usually mildly titillating at best. But, if it will sweeten the deal, I am willing to put up some posters of Adriana Lima around the venue. See, life is all about compromise!

JC - I think you’re tripping about the midgets vs. Andre. But you know I’m going to find out for sure!
Drawing Pin Says:
September 9th, 2006 at 4:11 pm
Who is JC? I have absolutely no memories of called him a “fat c**t” whatsoever because thats mean and I’m always uber nice.

Especially to ‘fact nut’s like I’m sure JC is.
Rod Van Love Says:
September 17th, 2006 at 7:52 am
Kurt Angle vs Shawn Michaels…. what a match! If you look very closely at the WM21 DVD you can see me in metaphoric “genital distress” in row 51. I’ve never been so excited by a homoerotic display of semi-naked oiled-up men grappling eachother in my life.
Simon Says:
September 17th, 2006 at 11:09 pm
Frankly I’m glad I’m older than you and have taken the opportunity to add strain to my heart through eating , booze and illegal narcotics. All of which means I should die first and be spared the misfortune of having to kill myself to avoid 42 minutes of wrestling videos.
Phil Says:
September 18th, 2006 at 8:29 am
I think we’re getting a bit side-tracked here. The wrestling will only be a very small part of the whole affair. Bear in mind that I will be sat bolt upright in my coffin, pointing accusingly at people through clever use of hidden wires. There will be red, flashing LED’s implanted behind my eyes.

It’s bound to get on Newsround at the very least. Come on - let’s make this a funeral to remember!

Just To Forewarn Y’all…

14 Responses to “Just To Forewarn Y’all…”

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