Saunders Correct : Girlfriend Admits Existence of Shadowy Female Illuminati
I once read a book called Foucault’s Pendulum by Umberto Eco. Referred to by some as ‘a thinking man’s Da Vinci Code’, I found it to be impenetrable, confusing and, at times, downright boring. However, I did quite enjoy the central storyline that a group of crackpots and losers could accidentally stumble across a massive conspiracy.
And this, my friends, is what I fear I may have done myself. In my last post I made an off-the-cuff quip about ’some kind of shadowy, chubby female Illuminati spreading mis-information and deceit’ in perpetuating the myth that Marilyn Monroe was a size 16 and thus, by some arcane connection, it was OK for women to be fat.
During the beating that my girlfriend cheerfully handed out to me for making such statements, she unwittingly let it slip that, in fact, this XX Chromosomed Illuminati did exist and that the only reason I was still alive after outing them is that nobody ever reads this website. Obviously she had assumed that my joke was based on some kind of prior knowledge, which may have accounted for the severity of the thrashing given to me.
After extended questioning, threatening, pleading, whinging and cajoling it was eventually revealed to me that women have been aware of this Illuminati for centuries. In fact, nowadays they are all informed on the eve of their 18th birthdays. Did any man ever wonder why they took so long to try and get the vote? It was due to the fact that they didn’t need it, because the whole world was already ran by a secret female government who made decisions about all the important things.
Over the course of my questioning the following closely guarded secrets of the Female Illuminati (and, indeed, women in general) have been made known to me. The depth of female deceit throughout the Millennia can now be put into context. I risk death by imparting these, but the truth needs to be told:
- Women are actually perfectly content with their bodies. The attention they receive from men saying ‘no really, I love your [insert offending body part here]‘ is actually used to fuel a sub atomic device, designed to blow up the Playboy Mansion if the existence of the Illuminati is ever made public.
- Jesus Christ, Frankie Dettori, Adolph Hitler, Roman Polanski, George Washington, Vlad the Impaler, Lennox Lewis, Jo Brand and Rowdy Roddy Piper are all secretly female. The Illuminati use them as spies, or something.
- Women save their energy for The Gender Wars (which have been foretold and will come to pass) by driving poorly and not lifting heavy objects.
- Periods are actually quite fun.
Further revelations will follow, assuming I survive the night.
November 9th, 2006 at 6:13 am
Only thing i can add is the famous comment
“I don’t trust anything that bleeds for a week and doesn’t die!”
November 9th, 2006 at 3:43 pm
I am amazed, nay fellow, I am incredulous that a) you ever managed to get a girlfriend, and b) she puts up with you. Having said that, I did burst out laughing at the line ‘Periods are actually quite fun’. I’m probably going to some sort of feminist hell, but at least I’ll be laughing at you who will be forced to bleed for all eternity and change mood every three seconds for no reason whatsoever…
November 9th, 2006 at 4:28 pm
My very first psychology topic was based on women’s menstraul cycle and apparently 5% of women find periods an “empowering” experience. So for some women they are.