TheBoySaunders.com

At University I was bullied, mercilessly, by a small group of people who I will not stoop so low as to name in this forum. Night after night, day after day, I was abused, humiliated and made to feel sad. The only glimmer of pride I can recoup from those dark days is that I stuck to my guns: Billywitches exist.

Here are my main Billywitch assertions, that were to cause me so much grief and heartache:

• They are large, flying insects.
• They live only in one tree in Ipswich, on Rushmere Heath.
• They make the world’s most satisfying ‘thwack’ sound when you hit them with a big stick.
• If they get stuck in your hair they cannot be removed. You have to physically cut them out.

In the following article I hope, and intend, to unequivocally prove that, on the question of Billwitches and their ‘alleged’ attributes, I was right and my tormentors were… the opposite of right, this being ‘wrong’ or ‘incorrect’ (both concepts that are utterly foreign to me).

Let’s tackle these points one-by-one. For a start, here is a picture of a Billywitch:

OK, I know what you’re thinking: ‘Why, that’s nothing but Lucanus Cervus, a common stag beetle’. And you’d be right. Only in Suffolk (and Essex, apparently) they are colloquially known as Billywitches. As proven here. We also call Woodlice ‘Pillbugs’, for reasons that escape me.

Phil 1 - 0 Bullies

Now, those statements:

•  They are large, flying insects.

If you would read about Lucanus Servus on any reputable Stag Beetle site (of which there are many) you would understand that they are not only large, but also easily capable of flight.

Phil 2 - 0 Bullies

• They live only in one tree in Ipswich, on Rushmere Heath.
• They make the world’s most satisfying ‘thwack’ sound when you hit them with a big stick. 

Now it gets trickier. There is certainly a colony of Billywitches living in the Billywitch Tree on Rushmere Heath in Ipswich. I know this because Daniel Sedgwick and I used to hang out there and hit them with big sticks at dusk, when they were most active.

I can also confirm that they made an inordinately satisfying ‘thwack’ noise when you managed to actually hit one (about once in a thousand swings). However, I cannot prove that the entire species is found only in this one tree. I haven’t seen them anywhere else and that, to me, is fairly conclusive. However, I also appreciate that we live in a world obssessed with scientific facts and ‘truth’. As such, I cannot absolutely prove this and am forced to concede… half a point.

As for the ‘thwack’. Well this is easy. Any doubters can come to Ipswich with me. We’ll journey to Rushmere Heath and seek out the fabled Billywitch tree. And then we will ‘thwack’ until we can ‘thwack’ no more… indeed, until we are completely ‘thwacked’ out.

Phil 3 - ½ Bullies

• If they get stuck in your hair they cannot be removed. You have to physically cut them out.

This is the one that concerned me the most, the hardest to prove. Growing up, it was a well-known ‘fact’ but having fruitlessly scoured the Internet for proof, I was on the verge of writing this off as an Urban Legend. That is, until I found the following two lonely references from a Google search (re-sized to fit):

Now, you may think that this is tenuous. Not being familiar with Bebo, I assume that the mysterious Sarah (or ‘Too Sexy for Usher’, as I believe her yoofspeak name translates to) has set a trendy quiz for all of her friends to complete. Clicking on the link is of no help, as it simply takes you to the Bebo sign-up page. However, I am content to work with what we have. I have, through a long and wearisome process, managed to translate her question. The results are startling (emphasis added):

What is a Billywitch? a) Buff Billy from Needham b) condom c) Bug that gets stuck in hair d) Sim on Crack (?) e) Dave when thrown in a bush

I believe that answers ‘a’ and ‘e’ can be discounted, as these are obvious references to friends and acquaintances (e.g. ‘Buff’ (or ‘good looking’) Billy from Needham Market and the mysterious ‘Dave’ who gets thrown in bushes). Option ‘b’ is an obvious by-product of giving a hormonal teenage girl internet access. ’d’ appears to be nonsense, but is probably another reference that would only be understood by the family or friends of ‘Sarah’.

If we can accept that ‘Sarah’ is a reliable source, and I believe that she is, then this question can be boiled down to:

Question: What is a Billywitch?
Answer: (a) bug that gets stuck in (your) hair. 

Still not conclusive enough for you? How about this, from the Myspace profile of some retard named Winter Fire:

As such, I declare this particular point resoundingly proven, and have great pleasure in declaring the final score:

Phil 4 - ½ Bullies

The years have passed, the bruises have faded, but the victory, finally, is mine.