Episode 77: In Which the Ultimate Warrior Forces Santa into Bondage
Since leaving the WWE, many years ago, it is fair to say that Jim ‘The Ultimate Warrior’ Hellwig has grown increasingly insane. For a start, he has legally changed his name to ‘Warrior’ - his website, on which he spouts rambling right-wing rhetoric about immigration and homosexuality, is registered to ‘Mr. Warrior’. His rants and unjustified sense of self-importance has led to the former household name being treated as little more than a laughing stock by wrestling fans and the general public.
It all started so well for the former bodybuilder who beat Hulk Hogan for his first and only World Championship at Wrestlemania VI. He was pencilled in to lead wrestling’s charge into the 1990’s, but a slew of failed appearances, drug suspensions and extortionate pay requests effectively ended his career. Ten years later, Hogan, the man that the Ultimate Warrior was meant to replace, was still at the top of an industry that had, by and large, forgotten him.
However, the depths of the Warrior’s post-career insanity are demonstrated in his absurd (and utterly hilarious) attempts to sue the creator of Somethingawful.com for defamation of character. Go ahead and read the email exchange here, it’s well worth your while. I’ll wait.
……Back? Good.
As if another sign of Warrior’s eccentricity was needed, the short-lived comic book series ‘Warrior: The Comic’ culminated in one of the most disturbing sights to ever accost my eyeballs. But the signs weren’t looking too great from the very first page of the debut issue, where Warrior attempted to tell us of his philosophy on life: Destrucity!
“Destrucity: In its design, Destrucity represents a constellation existing in the heavens which symbolizes the “Eight Disciplines” by which Warriors choose to live their lives. Brought to existence by the destinies of those willing to die for their Beliefs, brought to exist as a place where people live by Belief in the evolution of their Higher Selves — constantly evolving toward a completion of their chosen destiny — all with strength in the denial of “System Beliefs” — the very Beliefs that amplify differences in and create rights, wrongs, judgments, and opinions of people, places, and things.”
Which makes perfect sense to me.
Warrior: The Comic was rounded off by a special Christmas issue. Within the hallowed pages of this legendary publication, which contains no text or any other signifiers as to what the hell is going on, The Warrior appears to invade the North Pole. Eventually, he meets Santa Claus, where this happens:
Yes indeedy, Warrior has beaten Santa up and stolen his trousers. It’s best not to ask what the white stuff leaking from St Nick’s mouth is either. Of course, now Santa has been incapacitated, the question remains as to how he should be secured. The answer, of course, is to force him into bondage:
For a man who was once booed out of a speech at the University of Connecticut for declaring ‘queering doesn’t make the world work’, the homo-erotic undertones of the above panels are even more bizarre. Understandably, the ‘Santa Rape’ issue has become highly sought after by collectors and has been extensively referenced and reproduced on the Internet. If nothing else, it will serve as a testament to one of the more troubled, if charismatic, wrestlers to grace the WWE.
December 13th, 2007 at 7:19 am
Ahh professional ‘wrestlers’ what will they get up to next? If their not beating up and sexually abusing kindly elderly gentlemen then their murdering their whole family before hanging themselves in a steroid induced rage. They truly are loveable scamps aren’t they? a bit like the artful dodger
January 9th, 2008 at 8:37 pm
I thought I was the only sick elephant round here? Who’s plummeting?
January 11th, 2008 at 12:48 pm
That’s what happens when you’re all hyped up to write a new entry… and then your boss decides that, actually, there is some work to do after all. Rude, I call it (not Ravishing Rick, obviously).