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A Fiendish Trap

I awoke to find myself in the titular fiendish trap. Tigers all around, staked into the earth, the leashes just too short to reach me. Their snapping jaws were straining, tongues lolling out of their mouths, as every sinew in their massive bodies ached to make a meal of my supple, beautiful flesh.

I had always planned to die in a snorkelling accident. This was an unexpected, and unwelcome, development.

Springing into action, I decided, was the best way forward. Get the adrenaline pumping and act on instinct. The tigers were looking weary in the midday sun and I wondered how long I had been asleep whilst they drove themselves into a frenzy trying to reach me. To add to my woes, the tip of my nose was sunburned.

Now was the time, no point in thinking too long. One shot, or a tasty meal for a tiger. I exploded into the air from my previously seated position, somersaulted twice and landed on the back of one of the beasts. It seemed shocked, but, even so, it twisted it’s neck to snap it’s jaws at me. I felt it lurch triumphantly under my feet and realised, belatedly, that I had delayed too long.

Even as I was leaping away, I saw the flash of scarlet from where the tiger’s teeth had sunk into my arm, more a stump now. I could still see two of my fingers protuding from it’s mouth, twitching, waving goodbye.

No time for pain. I shimmied to the left and two of the massive felines, unable to alter their trajectories in time, crashed into each other. Dodged to the right and missed another by a literal whisker. The next few seconds passed in slow motion before suddenly, miraculously, I was free and running, with a whoop on my lips and a song in my heart!

Arriving safely home, I reflected on my busy day. Making a cup of tea was harder with only one arm, but, on the plus-side, my house was tiger-free and Bargain Hunt was on the telly.

This entry was posted on Thursday, May 22nd, 2008 at 12:07 pm and is filed under What Killed the Cat. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

4 Responses to “A Fiendish Trap”

JC Says:
May 28th, 2008 at 2:38 pm
Saunders you need to lay off the wacky baccy for a bit. Try to drink more alcohol to cope with the drop of THC
Kf Says:
May 28th, 2008 at 11:30 pm
Nice story, needs more tigers though. And possibly pirates.
uncle jim Says:
June 3rd, 2008 at 12:37 pm
Reminds me of the joke:

A young brave was being inducted through his manhood ceremony to join the warriors of the tribe.

He was faced with 3 tents. In the first one was a gallon of palm wine, which he had to drink in one go. In the second was a mountain lion with a toothache - he had to remove the painful tooth. In the third tent was a woman who had never had an orgasm - whom he had to give one to.

He entered the first tent, and after a while staggered out holding the empty wine skin. The warriors all applauded.

He staggered into the second tent with the tribe holding their breath. There were terrible screams and growls, which got worse and worse as time went on, culminating in such a loud shriek that the tribe were all convinced he must be dead.

But finally he staggered out, bruised and bleeding, and said “Now take me to woman with toothache.”
uncle jim Says:
June 3rd, 2008 at 12:38 pm
Or even

Dave :”When we were out camping I shot a lion in my pyjamas!”

Nigel :” Waht was a lion doing in your pyjamas?!”

A Fiendish Trap

4 Responses to “A Fiendish Trap”

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